Time of death [1]

Ma vaatasin House'i täna. Sellest inspiratsioon. Selline oleks minu tulevik, aga 11 aastat õpinguid ja residentuuri.. Jääb ära.


There..

"I always thought that the hardest part would be telling the family. I mean.. How do you tell a person that someone they love.. died.. because of you? But I learned, that.. The hardest part is actually saying those three words. 'Time of death'. It's so.. final. That is the point of.. well, the point of no return, I guess. The point where you stop trying. Before that you can.. you can give them an electric shock.. You can still try.. Still hope.. But after those words. There's no point. It's done."


„Miss.. Hadley?“ she said. The same woman, who sees me every single day, when I come to work. Every day I walk right pass her and she still has to look up my name from that paper on top of a pile of other irrelevant notes and files. How can someone be so dumb?

I stood up, a bit angry at my legs that were shaking so bad it was nearly impossible to move. But nearly impossible was pretty much all I needed to get to the other side of this cold and boring waiting room. Now I understand why patients are always in a hurry to get inside the exam room. I wouldn't want to be here any longer than I absolutely need to.

The woman smiled, trying so hard to seem friendly. She failed. I saw something else in that smile. Was that.. pity? Are they going to take my license away? I hadn't even considered anything else but medicine as my career. Now what?

I smiled back, forcing my lips to form a seemingly pleasant emotion onto my face. Maybe I should take up acting..? Right then and there, I suddenly realized that I didn't know her name either. I guess we're even.

„Right this way,“ she pointed at the door. As if there was another way. If you find one, please let me know! I'd be happy to use it. I stepped a bit closer and raised my hand. Should I knock? „They're already expecting you,“ the woman said and walked away. Well.. No knocking then. I placed my shaky hand on the door knob and turned it just a little bit. Please God, break the lock on this door. Do something!

And I'm not even religious.

But no. The door opened. And the eyes of eleven, very very serious-looking men turned to me. I started to remember, why I never joined the Christian community. God obviously hated me.

„Doctor Hadley, take a seat please.“

Okay, he called me doctor Hadley. Maybe they won't take my licence away? And he remembered my name without looking it up. That's also a good sign, isn't it?

Only one chair was open and that was at the very end of that long table. Ofcourse. I tried to put as much self confidence into my walk as I could, but my legs were still shaking once I got to the chair and sat down. Everyone looked at me and I must say they had a perfect view. Me being at the end of that table and all..

„We have finished your psychical evaluation,“ he started, reaching his hand out to grab his classes from the table. I remembered him. Professor Owen.. he was there when I was interviewed for the job.

He put his glasses on and had a closer look on the papers he was holding. That's where the answer was hidden. I would've given anything to have those sheets of paper in my hands. But instead, I had to sit still and wait, while he looked through whatever was written on there.

„How are you feeling?“ he asked, placing the papers on the table. It took me a moment to react. A moment of anger and confusion. He isn't gonna read my evaluation? He is not going to say whether I get to keep my job?! That son of a.. „Fine. I'm feeling fine,“ I said, putting that famous I-am-okay-and-you-better-believe-it smile on.

„You do know what fine stands for, don't you?“ another men from the other side of the table said. I turned my eyes to him, suddenly regretting my answer. Of course I knew. „Freaked out, insecure..“ he started counting the adjectives that applied to me so well at that very moment. „Neurotical and emotional,“ I finished, before he could. „Let me rephrase that.. I'm good.“ Yes. I'm good. Can we get on now?

„You don't look good. As a matter of fact, you look nervous,“ professor Owen said, with a clever smirk on his face. Were they mocking me now? „My career is at risk here. Of course that makes me a little bit anxious,“ I replied, trying to seem as professional as possible. And also trying to avoid using the word nervous.

„Do you think we should fire you?“ he asked with pure interest in his eyes. „Isn't it your job to determine that?“ I asked back. Okay, now they were starting to piss me off.

„Well, yes.. of course. But we would all like to hear your opinion,“ he said, that smirk still on his face. That old, ugly face..

„Are you going to fire me or not? If not, then I have a patient to get to. If yes, then this is a waste of time. Well actually.. It's a waste of time either way. I am perfectly fine and I don't care what fine stands for. Yes, a patient died on my table. Yes, I feel guilty. But I will be fine!“ I finally snapped.

At some point I had stood up and now, realizing that I might have just ended my career all by myself, I fell back into the chair.

„Well. I think we're all done here,“ professor Owen said calmly, as if my little scene hadn't disturbed him at all. Great.. Goodbye Doctor Hadley, welcome.. Remy, the waitress.

Everyone stood up. Everyone, but me, that is. They started walking out of the room and I closed my eyes, wishing that I could turn back time.

„I thought you had a patient waiting..?“ the professor said. My eyes popped open and I stared at him for at least ten seconds before realizing, what he just said. „Let's not keep him waiting then,“ he smirked and walked out of the room.

Only then I felt how tense my body had been and I relaxed my muscles, pretty much collapsing in the chair. „It's a she..“ I said to an empty room. „My patient is a she..“

Et see.. Jätkub? Ma vaatasin alguses, et see on lühijutt.

Mulle meeldis. Ma ei oska eriti midagi öelda, sest mul pole midagi välja tuua. Esimesega ongi raske kohe midagi öelda.

„You do know what fine stands for, don't you?“ another men from the other side of the table said. I turned my eyes to him, suddenly regretting my answer. Of course I knew. „Freaked out, insecure..“ he started counting the adjectives that applied to me so well at that very moment. „Neurotical and emotional,“ I finished, before he could. „Let me rephrase that.. I'm good.“ Yes. I'm good. Can we get on now?

Mulle meeldis see lõik eriti, ma isegi ei tea, miks. See tundus kõige sümpaatsem kuidagi.
Kõik, nagu. Uut tahaks.

Mulle meeldib selle fine'i tähendus. Jumala tabav.

Aga ma alustasin uue kirjutamist just enne ja millalgi lõpetan ära ka. Homme arvatavasti saab uue osa ka.

Umm.. Huvitav. Jah, huvitav oleks kõige parem variant selle kohta, mida öelda.

Seega, ma tahaks teada, mis edasi saab. :)

Väike parandus - täna saab uue osa. Veits hiljem. Mul oli eile nii kräpp olla, et ma ei kirjutanud. (A)

Mm, mulle meeldib. Kuigi praegu ma pigem lasin silmadega kiirelt üle teksti. Hiljem kui aega rohkem on süvenen tõsisemalt.

AGA mulle meeldib SEE, et see on inglise keeles ja mulle meeldib pealkiri, mis lugemakutsuv.

Aaah ma olen nii paha. Agaa.. Ma ei ole viimase kirjutatud osaga rahul väga. Ma tglt unustasin ära. Aga täna saate uue! Ehk siis tehniliselt võttes homme. Ja homme ma üritan osi ette ka kirjutada, et nii enam ei juhtuks. (A)

Mu internet on terve päev jamanud. Ja mul on arvutite kolimisest kopp ees.
Enjoy.


..is..


„How did it go?“ was the first thing I heard while walking towards the elevators. Marc had appeared next to me and now stared at me, his eyes filled with excitement. You know how in stories there's always that one incredibly sexy and yet unavailable guy? Well he definitely wasn't it. To be honest, we all suspected that he's gay.

„Fine,“ I answered, allowing myself to smile a little. How ironic can life sometimes be..

„Fine? As in, you got to keep your job?“ he asked, stepping into the elevator with me. He held the doors open with one hand and I looked around, but saw no one else coming. „Yes. Could you let go of the doors now?“ I said, crossing my hands. He looked at me with suspicion and opened his mouth, but closed it again and shook his head.

I raised an eyebrow and looked at Marc while he stepped back out of the elevator and removed his hand, waving at me as the doors shut.

I didn't wave back.

It seemed to surprise Marc that they kept me working here. I couldn't really blame him – I was surprised as well. I mean.. Giving a positive drug test usually ends up with saying goodbye to your medical license. Giving a positive drug test and letting a patient die on your table while you were still under some kind of a haze from that extacy pill.. Let's just say that I should have been saying goodbye to my freedom.

Even though I did not take that pill.

I think.

But instead I get a long lecture, a bunch of questions and.. nothing else? Did they really think that I'm in perfect condition to get back to work? Suckers. Even I know that's not true and I'm a diagnostic.

„Hadley. The boss wants to see you,“ Sheyla said, standing in front of me. I hadn't even noticed reaching my floor. Now the doors were opened and she held her hand at the exact same spot as Marc did, stopping the doors from closing. „Is he mad?“ I asked before stepping out.

I knew Sheyla and she was pretty much the only person who would answer honestly to that kind of question. „Pissed off,“ she said, smiling.

Great.

„Thanks,“ I replied, while walking out of the elevator. I headed to my boss's office, ignoring the curious looks that were sent my way. If the tables were turned and I was one of them, I wouldn't be any less curious. Which made it even more fun.

„You wanted to see me..?“ I said, subconsciously lowering my voice so that I sounded more.. humble, I guess? „Take a seat,“ doctor Morrison said, pointing to a chair not far from where I was standing. „I'm fine right here,“ I replied, staying at one place. Fine.. That damn word again.

„I heard that they let you slide on this one,“ Morrison said with his eyes everywhere else but on me. „You heard right,“ I replied, not knowing what else to answer. „How are you feeling?“ he asked, finally looking at me.

It made me lose my self control for one slight moment, but I gathered myself and said: „Fine.“ This time I said it on purpose.

„Your patient.. Mrs. Hamilton,“ Morrison continued. The woman that died on my table. This conversation kept getting better.

„She didn't die because of you. She had a thrombosis in her brain, which caused the lack of oxygen, which resulted in a heart failure. It wasn't you. It was bad luck.“

I just stood there. Not believing what he was telling me. „How did we miss it? Why didn't we see it in MRI?“

„It wasn't there when we did the MRI,“ Morrison claimed.

Is it right to feel relieved when a person has died? Because I sure did.

„Is that why they let me keep my license?“ I just had to ask. It's not good to play with your luck, but still..

„That's why they let you keep your job. They let you keep your license because I stole your blood from the lab and replaced it with some of your clean blood you gave when you started working here,“ he explained with no emotions on his face.

What the hell?!?!

„Um.. What? Why?“ I was clearly confused. What kind of a doctor does that sort of a thing?

„Because I need you here. I still tested your blood and it was positive so you have a lot of clinic hours before I can start trusting you again. I gave your patient away to Chase,“ Morrison said, ending this conversation quite harshly. „Two weeks of clinic duty, starting now. Go.“

I stepped out of his office, feeling even more guilt than I had felt before. Not only had I done drugs, had sex with random people, forgotten about it completely and let someone die on my table (Yes, I still took some part of the blame).. I had just made my boss cheat and lie. He had to risk losing his own license so I could keep mine.

Clinic duty is the least I could do to thank him. Besides.. I knew how he hated clinic work. No exciting diagnosis. Only the flu or STDs.

And I had the whole two weeks for that! Yay..

I am so never doing drugs again.

Pikemad võiksid olla.
Kas peategelase nimi Faythe? (Ei, ma tglt ei usu seda. Lihtsalt lõpetasin raamatuseeriaga, kus peategelased Marc ja Faythe. )
Mulle ei meeldi, et see inglise keeles on. Snl peaks eestlastele kuuluma ja eesti keeles olema. XD Ma olen oma eesti keelega niiii fucked up, et ma isegi ei saa enam aru kui ma vigad sisse teen. (VIGAD! Saad sa aru... ma ütlesin täiesti külma südamega üks päev vigad ja ei saanud isegi aru, et midagi valesti oli!) Kirjutasin täna uut osa... iga teine sõna tuli läbi sõnaraamatu. -.-
EESTI KEELT!
Aga ei, muidu oli hea.
Uut.

Niigi kaks A4ja mis minu jaoks on eneseületus. Aga ma üritan siis.

Ei ole. Ma ei tea veel, mis ta nimi on. Perekonnanimi tuli House'ist. (Thirteen ^^)

ma mõtlen inglise keeles therefore ma ka kirjutan selles. Kergem end väljendada inglise keeles. Eesti keeles pole selliseid sõnu, milles kirjutada. Inglise keeles pole sõnu, milles rääkida.

isiklik kiiks.

Sa oled veider ka.

Ja ei saa eesti keelt. Mine loe oma sõnaraamatut.

Uut saab kas homme, kui teil veab või laupäeva õhtul/pühapäeval kui teil ei vea.

*näitab KEEEEEEEEELT*

*Lõikab MAHAAAAAAAA*

Selle Dr. Hadley eesnimi Remy ei olegi või pean ma oma inglise keele väga käsile võtma?

„Well. I think we're all done here,“ professor Owen said calmly, as if my little scene hadn't disturbed him at all. Great.. Goodbye Doctor Hadley, welcome.. Remy, the waitress.

^^Sellest lõigust ma igatahes niimoodi välja lugesin.


Ma ei saa küll igast sõnast aru ja selleks midagi teha ka ei viitsi, aga mulle meeldib. (:

Umpfh. xD

Jaaa! Ma mõtlesin, et ma kuskile kirjutasin ju.

Kui millestki aru ei saa, siis võite küsida ju ka.

Okey, see osa.. nohjah, see oli hästi kirjutatud (ja kuigi ma liitun siin nasiccuga, et eesti keel on ilusam ja julgen vastuvaielda selles, et eesti keeles end piisavalt hästi väljendada ei saa).
Aga see sisu. See kõlas nagu seal oleks drHouse'i naisversioon, ehk tõesti 13. Aga see oli kuidagi.. vale. Mitte ükski normaalne inimene ei jätaks ühtegi narkootikume teinud arsti tööle, seega see oli veidike ebareaalne, sest mulle on kuidagi mulje jäänud, et see lugu tahaks selline reaalsem olla. Aga võib-olla on mul lihtsalt veidike kummaline maailmavaade.

Aga olenemata sellest, ma tahan uut.

See kõik tuleb jutus välja, miks ta üldse narkotsi tegi ja miks ta ei teadnudki ise, kas ta üldse need sisse võttis ja blaablaa. Siis muutub väheke reaalsemaks ka. praegu teate teie, et arst võttis narkotsi, tappis patsiendi (ok, nüüd juba teate, et see polnud tema süü) ja sai ikkagi tööle jääda.

Aga kõik muu selgub veel.

Ma tahan vinguda, et ma tahan uut osa.

Klõnks. Ma ei tea ausalt, millal seda saab. Praegu on väga palju tegemist koguaeg.

Pätu, sul igav ei ole vahepeal?